self f*ckin help

It's funny how I come on here and say I am going to start writing and posting more often and then I fall off the face of the earth.   Here is a smal recap since I last posted.

• Finishing up my A.A degree in Business Admin.
• Transferring to a four year school in Sept.
• Attempting to open up my horizons
• Increasing positivity and regulating my negativity
• Still working on losing weight
• Occasional drink here and there but so far so good, little to no interest in boozing.
• Traveling to China as a graduation present to myself

Ok, so it looks like I am doing fairly well right? Wrong!  As much as I try to look at the positive side of things and all the good things going in my life, I always resort to having negative thoughts about myself, my current life situation and what bad thing is going to happen to me, since whenever a good thing happens to me bad things happen along with it.    I remind myself that things are going well, and that I am moving forward but my mind instinctively telling me that I am wrong and that shit is about to hit the fan, which is my constant every day battle.

Sleep is still lackluster, I use benadryll and melatonin to get myslf to sleep, I am lucky if I get 4-6 hours of asleep, which makes it hard to wake up in the morning and the dreaded "I can't get out of bed" feeling has me chained to the bed and every morning it is a battle that I have to overcome.

The main thing I am working on is happiness.  I need to begin feeling comfortable and happy with myself.  I am never happy, atleast that is what my mind says. I can be Donald Trump rich, cruising the French Riviera in my badass yacht with a bottle of Champagne and you know what, I'll still be unhappy. So one of the things I want to work on this summer is letting myself be happy and content with myself.

As far as booze goes, there are times when I want to drown myself in whiskey, but you know what I have recognized that I can't do that anymore and I look at the good things in my life and let the "self destruction" feeling drift away, especially since I know that the booze will not give me the knowledge and progress I have achieved since stopping the booze. 

So what now?  Well I am going to work on decreasing the negativity, increasing my positivity but still keep my cynicism and sarcasm intact since that is who I am anyways.  So guess f*ckin what, "Here's Ralph"