Decent day

Today was actually better than most days. I got a few things done around the house, ran some errands and then finished the day off with a little window shopping at REI(I love that damn store.

My overall mood for the day wasn't too bad actually, I wasn''t angry or sad, sure I was a little bummed about my money situation but i didn't let it get to me. Me and a buddy of mine went to my school to show the counselor my transcripts to show that I have cleared English and Math pre-requisites, one of the things I like about my school are the girls, they are gorgeous and there's good diversity.

I cleaned up around my room and now i have more space to do activities, maybe I'll punch some pumpkins tomorrow. Seriously though, it cleared up some space in my room so now i can buy the chair Ive been wanting to buy. Im sorta sleepy now so I'll talk tomorrow.

sooo friends......

As I was laying here in my full size bed stretching my legs out for some reason I started thinking about friends, and what not. You ever wonder how many close, how many are acquaintances, and just plain associates. Then it started making me think of my multiple personalities. Do you have the same dilemma?

So I have VERY few close friends who I call when I'm screwed up or in need. For instance, before when I used to drink, if I was willing to call you to pick me up, then you were a close friend. Usually the ones who I'll call are the ones willing to pick me up.
If I knew how to make diagrams on this blog I would, then I could more easily show you how my circle of friends work.

So there's asshole Ralph, professional Ralph, and anti-social messed up ralph. It all depends on what I'm doing. At work I am obviously professional Ralph. To my friends and when im at the bar im usually asshole Ralph, so much that im sometimes mistaken for New Yorker. And then there's anti-social ralph. I isolate myself and refuse to contact anyone in the outside world, I want to be alone with my thoughts, perhaps I'll stare at the sky or wall, or just stare aimlessly at the waves crashing in.

Tough new habits

So, im trying to build new habits, instead of holding things off till "later", im trying to do things "now". So my attempts of making my new habit of doing is pretty tough, more so than the procrastinating habit I have which is horribly negative to my life. But just like the movie What About Bob, it's all about taking baby steps.

Another area I am attempting to take control is my eating, I have absolutely no self discipline, I overeat. I mean, it's not like I go to Mcdonalds and order value meals supersized or anything, i eat healthy food, just too much of it, and not only that but when my non supportive family members bring bad food into the house hold (vanilla wafers) I lose all self control and eat like a fat pig.

Aside from that, I did take my Business Law final this evening, part of me fees like I did well, but part of me feels like i bombed it, we'll see how it goes.

"Bad economic times like this is when we need to have some ingenuity and create jobs for ourselves" -me

I know I know I know

I haven't posted in quite awhile, except for those twitter like blog posts I do from my phone. So let's see where do I start. Well, things have mellowed out, from previous posts I was obviously in another state, a disorderly state if you will. Depresssion, hopelessness sort of thing. Time(like usual) is to thank for the healing.

I don't really drink anymore and don't frequent bars anymore really. Of course I miss drinking up a storm and talk about all the things "I'm going to do". I realized that I've been drinking and just talking all these years, when I should have atleast been drinking AND DOING!!! So now, that I don't really drink, MY pledge is to live a more healthy, fulfilling life and to stop letting things get in my way, that includes my self doubt!!!!!!

I guess one has to hit rock bottom to rise up, that way you know which way is up and which way is down.

Work is still work, I was offered a higher position but they wanted to cut my pay. I was like "what the hell?" How do you offer someone a higher position and give them a pay cut, it just makes no sense? It's like offering a person the CEO position but giving them less pay than what they were already making. I dunno, where that sense comes from, perhaps you can enlighten me?

My patience for incompetence is very very low today!

The loong road toward the light is a loong path but well worth the trip?

Rock Bottom

Angry, sad, depressed, unsympathetic, low expectations, no future, ruined. I know I need to look at the positive things, but I cant. I know I could be worse off, but i can't see it that way. Unable to cry or be angry and punch pillow. I'm a ticking timebomb with no dynamite.

I was thinking today and it turns out I have two ex girlfriends that now have bachor degrees whereas I'm still degreeless. Time to get myself in gear!!!

Sober Saturday night

Today me and my friend Jenn had gone to a restaurant in Costa Mesa called Memphis, and I had two bloody mary's, a bison burger and she had this awesome tasting coffee cocktail and a chorizo skillet plate. Both things are were freakin awesome, and I definitely plan on being back.

We then went shopping for clothes, bought some stuff, and then had dinner at Red Robin, around this time My buddy Dave texted and told me that he wanted to get "F''d up, I wasn't too sure since I was sorta on the sober wagon, and I know Jenn didn't want to drive. So I volunteered to be the sober driver.

Now first off, when I am sober and everyone around me is drunk , I become the biggest asshole known to man kind. I mean I'm an asshole already but put me in a situation like that and I'll REALLY be an asshole. So we decided to go to Rembrandt's Restaurant/Lounge to see Phil Shane who is quite possibly the BEST lounge ever, next to Eddy Day of course. It was a a good time. Surprisingly I was not that much of an asshole, and sort of had a good time all while being sober at the same time. I t is new to me and I'm going to try to make it a habit.

Another sleepless night

This is starting to become cumbersome, I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour and all I do is lay there in the dark, then since I can't fall asleep, I'll turn the light on and read until i feel tired. I'll try going to sleep again, and like last night I did, but then laughed to something I was dreaming of and that woke up and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I just went online and browsed around until I felt tired. Eventually I fell asleep at like 5 something, but that totally ruins my sleep pattern, and I end up sleeping up till noon which doesn't help my productivity levels one bit.

I've tried reading, watching tv, browsing online, drinking "slepy time" tea, even smoked some pot hoping that;ll help. Nope, nothing.

Starting Anew

Since I last posted on here, somethings have happened. I got intoxicated in LA/Hollywood on Thursday June 27, and have pretty much stayed away from booze since that night. I've had a few drinks here and there but nothing like what I normally take in.

The with-drawls were somewhat minimal, a few days/nights of shaking and sweating but after that, I was high flying. My brain was working in higher capacity, I was on my toes, full of energy and felt like I could take on the world. Is it because of the lack of booze? I tend to think so. My friends aren't going to be too happy about this change, but it's better for me. I was spending way too much money on going out and getting plastered, plus it affected work and school. No more spending my nights at bars, instead ill be having nice dinners, and spending time reading, watching movies, hitting the gym, or hanging out at a coffee house.

I feel like almost a new/different person, if I was in a movie I probably would have gone out on a run and it would have been pouring rain on me, or maybe I was running at the beach and for some reason I decided to just jump into the ocean for a little swim, sort of like a baptism sort of thing. You know what I mean, a la Shawshank Redemption.

So here I am starting this week on a high note, ready to take on the world. Preparing myself mentally and physically. To educate myself, and learn new things (this is starting to sound like (Star Trek). On a final note, I signed up to play hockey at Anaheim Ice, should be a good season, if any of you wanna go see me fall, let me know.

28 and nearing 30, And spending time with friends that have families makes me think. Am I doing something wrong? Should I be starting a family? Should I be married and have kids? I'm too you to have a mid life crisis!!

Why is there such a difference between OC bars and LA bars?? Most OC Bars have lame music and lame people, where's LA bars have good jukeboxes and decent people. Or maybe I just haven't found a decent bar in OC yet.

How do you pull yourself out of the rabbit hole when your half way down it???

Drinking at the Dresden in LA. I really need to move out here. I feel so at home in this city compared to boring Orange County!

Having a drink at my old spot when I used to live in the LBC. I miss it!!!!

Another day....

Another day, another dollar. Today wasn't too too bad, I had the usual headaches at work, tried not to get too attached to the issues at work. I am burnt out!!! I m mentally drained. And the employees I have are for the most part good, but I have a few sour apples that ruin it and make my job worse. Not only that, but some have started relationships at work...blaaa!!!!

Anyways, enough about work, lets talk about me. I am sad, depressed, lonely. Every day when I get in the car and drive all my mind does is think, stuff like where I should be in life, etc. I should atleast have my bachelor's right now, making more money than I do. But I can't be too harsh on myself, things don't always go as planned. YOu know what they say, "You are your worst critic".

I watched Shutter Island tonight, it wasn't too bad. It definitely wasn't Scorsese's best, but it'll do for now. The film brought up alot of thoughts I have had regarding mental illness, medication, an so forth. The idea that I've had in my head for awhile. Hallucinations can be so real, how do I know that me writing this blog isn't a hallucination and in reality I am locked up in a cell? Maybe we're all crazzyy. I dont know maybe I am crazy. I just hope I don't wake up one morning in some strange place with blood all over my hands, that would definitely suck!

My first mobile post. Trying this out.

Disappointed and Sad

In case none of you know I work in a homeless shelter, and Ive been here for about two years. I have met lots of people from various backgrounds, some with mental illness, substance abuse, ex cons, and people who are just down on their luck with no support system.

I befriended someone while working here, lets call him Bill. Bill and I became good friends while working at the shelter, although I was an employee and he was a guest we had a common friendship. He was the first person I told that me and my girlfriend of four years broke up. He told me his life story. I gave him money when he had none, and sometimes took him to Mcdonalds for a bite to eat. He eventually became a fellow employee at the shelter, and although he worked part time, he volunteered full time. A little while after he got laid off, talked about committing suicide, slinging dope, etc. I told him that If he did any of those things I will kick his ass, and meant it.

After returning from my weeklong vacation I was informed that he hasn't been at the shelter in a while, and the obvious rumor was that he was doing meth again, and staying at a tweeker pad.

If is is true, then I am saddened and deeply disappointed. He had been a good friend, and I do feel some form of guilt because if I hadn't gone on vacation, maybe he would have never gone down the rabbit hole.

thinkin

So let me start off with what happened yesterday that got me all "emo" today. I went to my friend's parents birthday in Newport Beach. After drinking, beer, vodka, tequila, and finally whiskey, I became pretty waasted. I was planning on sleeping in my car since I couldn't drive but decided to take a walk along the shore.

I took off my shoes, rolled up my pants and walked around in the water for about 30 minutes. Lots of things ran through my mind at that time. What is life? Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? Why am I single? Why am I a screwup in certain parts of my life? Then I started staring into the deep black ocean, contemplating jumping off the Balboa Pier to see if I could swim to shore. Debating on where I should move to, and only to tell a handful of people.

And then the idea of quitting booze came in my mind.

If I quit drinking, then I would have to stop going to bars, maybe even stop hanging out with my friends who drink(which is pretty much all of them)

At Home

Ernest Hemingway, F Scott Fitzgerald, John Steinbeck, T.S> Elliot, and more all of which were members of the Lost Generation, a group of artists who were disenchanted with the way things were at home that they left to find a new better place.

I have lived in Southern Ca for majority of my life, except for my time in the military. Growing up I never quite felt "at home", and to this day I don't find myself "at home". I think the only time I felt at home was the time i spent in Egypt, and Iraq.

Am I just sick of America, and it's sad political streak? I could find such peace in a small vineyard in Provence, or maybe wandering the deserts of Egypt. I find it so sad that I can't feel at peace with myself here, that I have to go out to find peace.

Perhaps I will find it someday.....

Time for a change

Well after spending almost two years at the non profit I'm currently working at, I have decided it is time for me to leave.

I started there as a regular security guard, I needed a job badly and I asked my friend's mom to hook me up, I got the job and before you know it I became their Grievance Coordinator, dealing with all types of complaints from the guests. Shortly after that, I became their Guest Relations Director, running my own department of ten employees. But with all that success I forgot about school and my desire for higher education.

So now I am leaving my job in September and will be attending Fullerton Junior College FULL TIME. It'll be a change, but i think it will be more beneficial for me in the long run. I'll be broke, recycling cans, cutting on costs like no other, except for my internet, and phone.

driiinkin on a friday

Hangin out at my sister's place havin a few jack and cokes. Nothing out of the ordinary except for the fact that i told my self id stop drinkin for a while. Especially since I practically drank all day on wednesday. But none the less, after i got off work, came over to her place, watched American Graffiti which is awesome by the way. And started drinking.

Now she is yelling at me to do shots with her, I DO NOT DO SHOTS, I WILL PUKE!!! Thats the main reason why i never do shots, unless I do something like chocolate cake or kamikaze shots, which aren't too bad. Anyways, we're drinking, talking about ex's and listening to depressing music, like Patsy Cline an stuff like that. THis blog wouldn't be so bad if I had some followers, but since I feel like it's my personal journal, it's all good.

By the way, where did the good times go where you could go cruisin, listen to some tunes, have some drinks with friends, and just rock-n-roll???

LIfe in a fuzzy haze

Every now and then when I am either doing something or talking to someone I feel like I am a robot going through the motions, like I don't really have control of my body, and my vision gets all cloudy and fuzzy. Maybe it's the medication I'm taking, I have no clue.

Aside from that, work is going allright, we're in a recession, people are losing their homes, and I work with the homeless population, unfortunately I have to say "Business is Booming". Every day it seems like there's a brand new homeless person, or family coming into my facility asking for assistance. I wonder with the bailout to all these super corporations, where is the bailout to the average American person?

LOve life, is still nonexistant, haven't really met anyone, and I haven't really been trying. When I do go out with friends, I don't go out to look for someone, I just go out to have a good time, if I meet someone cool, if i don't not a big deal. I'm probably need ready to get back into the saddle again anyways. I enjoy being selfish and just worrying about me.

Post Break-up

It's been quite a while since I've posted on here, but i'll just give you a quick rundown on what's been going on in my so called life the past few years, sorta like an 80's montage but with depressing music.

Girlfriend and i moved in together in a nice little place in Long Beach. I got a job at a non profit organization in south central/downtown LA. I got diagnosed with PTSD. I went through a few depression episodes, i get dumped. Move back in with my parents. Drank for a while, stopped taking my medication, stopped seeing my therapist and doctor, was going on a downward spiral.

One day I wake up and decide I don't want to be depressed, angry and resentful towards the world. I see my doctor, my therapist, and am now taking it one day at a time.