Why is there such a difference between OC bars and LA bars?? Most OC Bars have lame music and lame people, where's LA bars have good jukeboxes and decent people. Or maybe I just haven't found a decent bar in OC yet.

How do you pull yourself out of the rabbit hole when your half way down it???

Drinking at the Dresden in LA. I really need to move out here. I feel so at home in this city compared to boring Orange County!

Having a drink at my old spot when I used to live in the LBC. I miss it!!!!

Another day....

Another day, another dollar. Today wasn't too too bad, I had the usual headaches at work, tried not to get too attached to the issues at work. I am burnt out!!! I m mentally drained. And the employees I have are for the most part good, but I have a few sour apples that ruin it and make my job worse. Not only that, but some have started relationships at work...blaaa!!!!

Anyways, enough about work, lets talk about me. I am sad, depressed, lonely. Every day when I get in the car and drive all my mind does is think, stuff like where I should be in life, etc. I should atleast have my bachelor's right now, making more money than I do. But I can't be too harsh on myself, things don't always go as planned. YOu know what they say, "You are your worst critic".

I watched Shutter Island tonight, it wasn't too bad. It definitely wasn't Scorsese's best, but it'll do for now. The film brought up alot of thoughts I have had regarding mental illness, medication, an so forth. The idea that I've had in my head for awhile. Hallucinations can be so real, how do I know that me writing this blog isn't a hallucination and in reality I am locked up in a cell? Maybe we're all crazzyy. I dont know maybe I am crazy. I just hope I don't wake up one morning in some strange place with blood all over my hands, that would definitely suck!

My first mobile post. Trying this out.

Disappointed and Sad

In case none of you know I work in a homeless shelter, and Ive been here for about two years. I have met lots of people from various backgrounds, some with mental illness, substance abuse, ex cons, and people who are just down on their luck with no support system.

I befriended someone while working here, lets call him Bill. Bill and I became good friends while working at the shelter, although I was an employee and he was a guest we had a common friendship. He was the first person I told that me and my girlfriend of four years broke up. He told me his life story. I gave him money when he had none, and sometimes took him to Mcdonalds for a bite to eat. He eventually became a fellow employee at the shelter, and although he worked part time, he volunteered full time. A little while after he got laid off, talked about committing suicide, slinging dope, etc. I told him that If he did any of those things I will kick his ass, and meant it.

After returning from my weeklong vacation I was informed that he hasn't been at the shelter in a while, and the obvious rumor was that he was doing meth again, and staying at a tweeker pad.

If is is true, then I am saddened and deeply disappointed. He had been a good friend, and I do feel some form of guilt because if I hadn't gone on vacation, maybe he would have never gone down the rabbit hole.

thinkin

So let me start off with what happened yesterday that got me all "emo" today. I went to my friend's parents birthday in Newport Beach. After drinking, beer, vodka, tequila, and finally whiskey, I became pretty waasted. I was planning on sleeping in my car since I couldn't drive but decided to take a walk along the shore.

I took off my shoes, rolled up my pants and walked around in the water for about 30 minutes. Lots of things ran through my mind at that time. What is life? Why am I here? What am I doing with my life? Why am I single? Why am I a screwup in certain parts of my life? Then I started staring into the deep black ocean, contemplating jumping off the Balboa Pier to see if I could swim to shore. Debating on where I should move to, and only to tell a handful of people.

And then the idea of quitting booze came in my mind.

If I quit drinking, then I would have to stop going to bars, maybe even stop hanging out with my friends who drink(which is pretty much all of them)