New Beginnings.

Well it's about that time that a do a new blog entry, seems like i do one every couple of months. I should consider collecting all my tweets that I do in a week and just make one big blog entry, weekly entry is a little bit better than an "every few months" entry right?

Started a new school this Sept. which is going well.  I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel aside from the fact that i have two years left, I'm sure it'll go by quickly.  I have already laid out my road map on what classes to take and what not. No fun classes for me, all Finance and Accounting courses, not that i don't find Finance fun, I just wish I could squeeze in a class that catered to the left side of the brain.  I have begun doing more creative things in my free time to balance my brain. Occasional trips to places to practice my limited photography skills. I also have begun writing an outline for a story, not sure if it is a short story, novel or what, but it's coming out of me so thats good.

I think aside from my usual emotional rants and raves I do on this blog I am going to begin posting more stuff of my every day life, photos, and what not.  One more thing, I am going to occasional post photos from previous trips to showcase what i have been doing with myself.

Thanks for your time!! 

self f*ckin help

It's funny how I come on here and say I am going to start writing and posting more often and then I fall off the face of the earth.   Here is a smal recap since I last posted.

• Finishing up my A.A degree in Business Admin.
• Transferring to a four year school in Sept.
• Attempting to open up my horizons
• Increasing positivity and regulating my negativity
• Still working on losing weight
• Occasional drink here and there but so far so good, little to no interest in boozing.
• Traveling to China as a graduation present to myself

Ok, so it looks like I am doing fairly well right? Wrong!  As much as I try to look at the positive side of things and all the good things going in my life, I always resort to having negative thoughts about myself, my current life situation and what bad thing is going to happen to me, since whenever a good thing happens to me bad things happen along with it.    I remind myself that things are going well, and that I am moving forward but my mind instinctively telling me that I am wrong and that shit is about to hit the fan, which is my constant every day battle.

Sleep is still lackluster, I use benadryll and melatonin to get myslf to sleep, I am lucky if I get 4-6 hours of asleep, which makes it hard to wake up in the morning and the dreaded "I can't get out of bed" feeling has me chained to the bed and every morning it is a battle that I have to overcome.

The main thing I am working on is happiness.  I need to begin feeling comfortable and happy with myself.  I am never happy, atleast that is what my mind says. I can be Donald Trump rich, cruising the French Riviera in my badass yacht with a bottle of Champagne and you know what, I'll still be unhappy. So one of the things I want to work on this summer is letting myself be happy and content with myself.

As far as booze goes, there are times when I want to drown myself in whiskey, but you know what I have recognized that I can't do that anymore and I look at the good things in my life and let the "self destruction" feeling drift away, especially since I know that the booze will not give me the knowledge and progress I have achieved since stopping the booze. 

So what now?  Well I am going to work on decreasing the negativity, increasing my positivity but still keep my cynicism and sarcasm intact since that is who I am anyways.  So guess f*ckin what, "Here's Ralph"

 

Happy Birthday to me....

Usually either birthdays rock or birthdays suck!  You are either happy and celebrating or just plain piss angry but still want to party it up and forget that you are one year closer to collecting Social Security and or qualifying for Med-Care.

Most people who know me know I'm not too happy about my birthday.  It's a day I prefer to just skip, but since I can't I just go through the day hoping no one will bring it up.  It's not a "normal" way of thinking I guess maybe it could be due to my odd upbringing.

I am definitely not going to bore you with childhood stories, but I will say it was just different.  Seriously though, perhaps it is a self confidence or self identity issue. (break) After writing that last sentence I GOOGLE'd "Why I don't like my birthday" AND one topic that popped up was "Avoidant Personality Disorder" (APD).  I am not some hypochondriac who has WebMD open up when I click on my Web Browser icon but I did read the symptoms of AVP and It sounds like I fit the bill.   Sooo Happy F*ckin Birthday to Mr. possibly Avoidant Personality disorder guy.

Avoidant personality Disorder for more info.

Troubles of Sobriety

FYI: This was written a few months before the last post.

You're at the bar it's 1:30Am with your friends. The bartender screams "Last Call", you are rushing to order your last round of drinks before the bartender stops serving alcohol due to this f*ckin ridiculous law. "Why can't Cali be more like Vegas, where you can drink 24'7. Seriously, "they just don't want me to party" This was my scenario all the time back in the day except it wasn't 1:30AM it was 1:30PM and I was alone. Yep, I was drinking like it was last call and more often than not I was completely alone, mainly due to the fact that my friends had jobs and I was living off the G.I Bill.

I am for the most part sober now, I don't really drink as often and definitely not like I used to. Certain experiences brought me to reality and no a woman did not save me and show me the light(thats usually only in the movies). Although....

Every now and then, when I isten to certain music or when I pass by a local dive bar and see everyone outside smoking, I get all nostalgic and my throat starts yearning for the sweet taste of Bourbon. Normally I chuckle, think about the old days and remember how it feels to just let lose. THEN i think about the lack of control, the horrible morning afters with the splitting headaches while I'm hovering over a toilet bowl, and unfortunately the only way to feel better is one of two ways: 1)drink more, which will make you feel better in no time OR 2)sleep, which will probably take atleast all day. So why not just take the easy way out and drink more right?

So, now I just pass by the bar and try to associate negative things with drinking and bars as a deterrent. But we're all human and mistakes do happen...sometimes.

off the wagon

We all have our weaknesses. It might be delicious twinkies, or maybe cheesy pop songs, but my main weakness and ultimate demon is booze. For better or worse, booze is it for me.

No other thing on this planet has brought me as much pleasure and destruction as booze. AND to make things worse, I'm a lonely asshole, but once I drink, I'm the lonely asshole surrounded by people. It's odd how things work. You choose sobriety and you are alone like as if you were in the vacuum of space. Start drinking and you have friends ready to party it up. Where was I on this social spectrum?

Obviously I wasn't sober from the get-go, but I cut my drinking drastically. Had a drink maybe once a month or so and when I did it was one or two beers. Fast forward to this past week and I gotta be honest, I drank more this week than I have combined the previous year. So where does that leave us?

I won't sugarcoat things. I will probably drink again, more than likely this friday when I go to a Comedy show I got free tickets for. But I'm going to work on not drinking as much, maybe I might not drink at all, but you know me better than that.

Am I addicted?

First off, I wrote a rough draft about an upcoming blog entry, but was too lazy to edit and post it and then I decided to come on here and check stuff out, but felt I needed an immediate release so here I am. Am I addicted? I don't think I ever asked myself that really. Even when I blew 16 grand that I made while being overseas on boozing it up at the bar and a few Vegas trips that included 48 or 72 drinking marathons. Or how about when I was destroying things, like when I was intoxicated and smashed my guitar like I was Paul Simonon on the Clash's London Calling album cover. So when do we ask ourselves the big question? Unfortunately it's after we have hit rock-bottom and have squandered away our finances, hurt and pushed our loved ones away and are all alone with our thoughts and memories to haunt us.

I push people away...

yes,it's another Friday night and I am alone watching a movie about loneliness and solitude. the film's narration attempting to drown out the narration of my life that is going on my head. Why am I here? Why are you here? What is the whole point of this? I'm not being suicidal or anything these ae just questions everyone thinks about, sort of.

Am I in the same league as Socrates and Jung? The great thinkers of this world? Perhaps they are not so great, since we ponder the same thing(past tense for the). I seem to always complain about being alone but I am also the one who puts space between myself and human beings, as soon as they get close I begin to push away. Do you do the same thing?

As you can see my this blog and all other blog entries are all over the place! Not because I can't formulate a perfect sentence or know where to put a period or comma, I have two reasons for this. Reason(1)My mind is all over the place. If you had a ship and could travel my mind, you would lose your f*ckin mind trying to navigate it. And reason(2) I am lazy.

Have a great day!!!!!