Are you depressed?

Who doesn't love hearing that question! I like to respond with, "No I'm not f*ckin depressed, I'm f*ckin fantastic how about you". If you haven't noticed I am slightly sarcastic, just a tad. But yea, every now and then I get in these depressive states and sometimes they will last a day, a week or a month or two, it just depends on who knows what.

I don't see a therapist, I have in the past but it seems like all they do is just make things worse. I've been medicated by a doctor which didn't turn out so well (ask my ex). So I've just learned to Cope with it. When I get in my depressive state, I'll close myself off from the world and when I'm good and ready I emerge from my shell.

I don't exactly know what my triggers are, I do tend to avoid Iraq war stuff but that's about it really. Perhaps I'm all depressed because of survivor guilt. I found out someone I worked with in the past was killed overseas. That could be why I'm all messed up now. Oh well, just gotta keep on f*ckin truckin!!!!

If your in the dumps and don't want to deal with the world, and you want to lock yourself away for a bit, that's fine and it's probably healthy for you and the world, but eventually you are going to face the day. So if you are going to face the day, start it off with something you like, a favorite song, a favorite meal or favorite activity. Remember it's all about baby steps.

Rock Bottom

Angry, sad, depressed, unsympathetic, low expectations, no future, ruined. I know I need to look at the positive things, but I cant. I know I could be worse off, but i can't see it that way. Unable to cry or be angry and punch pillow. I'm a ticking timebomb with no dynamite.

Another sleepless night

This is starting to become cumbersome, I try to go to bed at a reasonable hour and all I do is lay there in the dark, then since I can't fall asleep, I'll turn the light on and read until i feel tired. I'll try going to sleep again, and like last night I did, but then laughed to something I was dreaming of and that woke up and I couldn't fall back asleep, so I just went online and browsed around until I felt tired. Eventually I fell asleep at like 5 something, but that totally ruins my sleep pattern, and I end up sleeping up till noon which doesn't help my productivity levels one bit.

I've tried reading, watching tv, browsing online, drinking "slepy time" tea, even smoked some pot hoping that;ll help. Nope, nothing.

Another day....

Another day, another dollar. Today wasn't too too bad, I had the usual headaches at work, tried not to get too attached to the issues at work. I am burnt out!!! I m mentally drained. And the employees I have are for the most part good, but I have a few sour apples that ruin it and make my job worse. Not only that, but some have started relationships at work...blaaa!!!!

Anyways, enough about work, lets talk about me. I am sad, depressed, lonely. Every day when I get in the car and drive all my mind does is think, stuff like where I should be in life, etc. I should atleast have my bachelor's right now, making more money than I do. But I can't be too harsh on myself, things don't always go as planned. YOu know what they say, "You are your worst critic".

I watched Shutter Island tonight, it wasn't too bad. It definitely wasn't Scorsese's best, but it'll do for now. The film brought up alot of thoughts I have had regarding mental illness, medication, an so forth. The idea that I've had in my head for awhile. Hallucinations can be so real, how do I know that me writing this blog isn't a hallucination and in reality I am locked up in a cell? Maybe we're all crazzyy. I dont know maybe I am crazy. I just hope I don't wake up one morning in some strange place with blood all over my hands, that would definitely suck!